Heartbreaker.

I used to have this friend.

He was my best friend, and I, the advocate against teenage emotions because I really don’t believe we have the capacity for them, cared about him more than I have ever cared about anyone in my entire life.  He was the one person I ever trusted completely, and I was the only person he ever confided his actual emotions to.  He didn’t have to be funny around me, or serious, or happy or tough or anything.  He just had to be himself, and I absolutely adored him for it, and he adored me for accepting him as he was.

Over the summer, he tried to help me in ways that no one has ever even thought of.  I’m deathly afraid of water.  The only time I’ve been in a large body of water in the past seven years or so was when I was in Thailand, and we took a boat out into the indian ocean.  My best friend/sister and I went swimming in it, and needless to say I was scared out of my mind, but I trusted her.....and it was the Indian Ocean, I wanted to be able to say I’ve swam in it.

But he took me to this waterfall close to his house.  There’s an area underneath it where it’s really deep, and you can jump in, and swim.  And he took me there.  The girl that’s afraid of water.  Because he said that if anyone was going to be able to help me, it was him.

Well, he was right.

We stood next to it and I got close to the edge a few times, but each time I would end up breaking down and crying.  Which is hard for me to admit, because I compartmentalize emotions a lot.  But he was patient with me.  He stood with me and held me and told me that I could trust him.  He kissed my forehead and rubbed my back and showed me such patience.

We did eventually end up jumping in....and once I was in the water I freaked out pretty badly, and ended up crawling out and crying all over again.  And again, he sat with me.  He told me he was proud of me, and sometimes I think I lived to make him proud.  So this made me content.

I’m still afraid of water.  I still don’t swim.  But my fears are rooted deeply within my past, and it’s a past I’m ashamed of even though I shouldn’t be.  These roots are held so deeply within me that I doubt some of these things will ever leave me, but he helped me in at least easing the pain of one.  It was progress, and it was all because of him.

I’m telling you of this incident to help you understand how far the bounds of our friendship ran. There were many occurrences during our long enduring friendship like this, where we both helped each other grow and conquer fears and become better people.  I taught him patience, and he taught me compassion.

But we drifted apart, somehow.  I became busy with IB, and he just....got progressively stranger.  By strange, I mean being so adamant against authority and school and learning.  I used to adore that he wanted to do well, but then every time I talked to him he was complaining about something about school.  And I love our school, so it was hard for me to hear, but I just let him talk and I would listen.  Because that’s how we were.

Anyhow, we stopped talking for a few months.  Not because I didn’t try, but every time I texted him he wouldn’t answer.  If I messaged him on facebook he wouldn’t answer.  When I saw him and called his name, he would turn around and, looking extremely reluctant, wave briefly before turning around again and leaving before I could get to him.

Finally, last night I managed to confront him.  I was so scared that he was mad at me, or that I’d done something wrong.  But I finally asked him why he wouldn’t even acknowledge me anymore.  And what did he have to say?

He needed space.

He couldn’t be in a serious relationship as friends anymore.  IE, have that deep connection that we did.

He couldn’t spend so much time on one person because he has other things to do.

He didn’t care if we talked or not.

I’m hurt.  Badly.  And I don’t understand how a friendship as ours could come to.....this.  He was the only person I ever fully trusted, and now he doesn’t even want to talk to me.  I understand that he doesn’t have time to hangout like we used to, neither do I, but I don’t expect him to.  I just expected us to stay close.

I just cannot comprehend why things changed so drastically in so little time.

Where in the world did this go.

I’m really mad, because I wrote a sweet blog the other day about my (improbable) theory about drugs.  But I was just looking through my posts and couldn’t find it......so I guess I’ll re write it.  But it was really long, and I’m mad, so this is going to be shorter. By a lot.

I made a new friend, and he’s basically a genius.  His biggest flaw is his consistent use of drugs.  I do NOT understand the appeal of drugs at all.  But as I started thinking about them.....I came up with a crazy but improbable theory.  But, I still thought about it because TOK has taught me never to qualify anything as impossible, because we never really know that what we know is true...

When people do things like LSD they totally trip.  And they see things that sober people don’t see.  BUT what if over time, the development of logic and reason within humans has blinded us to the world that is around us, because we qualify certain things as “impossible.”  Our rational could have become a sort of inhibitor to our senses, thus dampening our senses and providing us with blinders, such as horses wear, if you will, that narrow the scope of our vision.

AND what if drugs kind of...get rid of those inhibitors.  And they allow our senses to be completely open, and we see the world for what it really is.  And the only reason we think that people who take drugs have a skewed view of the world is because we qualify the “normal” world that most people see as the true reality.  But what if it’s opposite........

I’m afraid of the wrong people reading this because it’ll just give them an excuse to do drugs, which I am strongly against.............

WAIT JK NO ONE READS THIS ASIDE FROM IB NERDS AND NONE OF US DO STUFF LIKE THIS BECAUSE WE’RE TOO BUSY STAYIN UP LATE AND WORKING.

Just an improbable theory.  Which I hope isn’t true, ‘cause that’d be bad for law enforcement.

LJ SAY HAY.

Leah Jereb.  Meee-ah Mer-eb.

AKA my bff jill.

I’ve known about her existence since about 8th grade.  She was always just....another person to me.  I always had an idea of what I thought she was like, based upon a few different things.

A friend recently told me a way to express this.  I had an Ashleigh-Leah built into my head.  I assessed her based upon her friends and what I knew of them, and from there came to a conclusion of what I assumed she was like.  And I didn’t like her friends very much.

Around came sophomore year and the time to apply for IB.  I found out she was doing it, or at least considering.  I’d had my heart set on IB since I found out about its existence, so when she talked to me about it, I decided to reconsider my position on her.

I was so, so wrong.

She was so different from them, as I soon discovered.  This year we hit it off quickly.  Seriously, we acted extremely similar and soon found ourselves talking in unison.  And, as we got to know each other on a deeper level, found out that our general beliefs about almost everything are also the same.  We’re seriously really close now, and I really kind of regret not getting to know her earlier.

But we’re friends now, best friends I would say, and that’s all that matters.

She’s goofy.  She’s eccentric, and different, and quirky in all the right ways.  She’s intelligent and dynamic.  She’s beautiful, inside and out.  Seriously, Leah, you’re gorgeous and you need to stop thinking otherwise.  Because you’re one of the cutest puppy girls I’ve ever met.

Hi puppy.

And she’s so driven, and involved, and I really admire that about her.  I wish I was as involved in my community as she is, because people are going to remember her.  She leaves quite the impression, and I know that no matter what, even though I hope for her to remain one of the 2% of my friends that I remain friends with after high school,

Guess I learned my lesson: Don’t judge a girl by her friends.

‘Cause giiiiirl, you are so much better than those one dimensional bimbos you used to hangout with.

PS. I hope you read this because you need to see this.

STOP THINKING BOYS DON’T LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT ATTRACTIVE.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.  AND STRIKING.  AND THE CUTEST PUPPY IN MY LIFE.  BOYS ARE JUST (in general, not all) STUPID AND NOT LOOKING FOR THINGS LIKE CUTENESS AND AWESOME PERSONALITIES AT THIS AGE.  THEY’RE LOOKIN FOR GIRLS THAT ARE GONNA GIVE THEM SOME WITHOUT MUCH WORK, AND YOU ARE NOT THAT.  SO BE PROUD.  AND LOVE WHO YOU ARE.

Thanks, TOK.

I’ve learned that basically all things in the world are different depending upon who you ask.  People’s experiences change and affect their perceptions, and perceptions are one of the ways that we determine what we know.  Therefore, we all may know different things about the world because we make different discoveries perceive them differently.  Similarly, we may be introduced to the same information, but because of our perceptions, we take different approaches to assess it and ultimately come to different conclusions.  Then how can we even know that what we think we know is true?

We can’t know.  It’s impossible to prove almost anything in the world to absolute certainty.  Even in sciences, where all paths lead to logical explanations, there is always a certain amount of uncertainty.  We think that the sky is blue because of the ozone layer and the way it refracts light from the sun, but the only reason we think this is because people predominantly see the sky as blue.  People who are colorblind might see the sky in a different color, but maybe they’re actually correct?  We tell them the sky is blue, therefore they might begin to doubt themselves.  But how can they doubt what they see with their own eyes?  It completely falsifies the statement, “I won’t believe it until I see it,” if you can’t even believe it when you do see it.  And so, I’ve also learned that I can’t be sure about anything that I think I know.  Especially history....who knows how stories changed, both because different primary sources will have different accounts of events, and because once word of mouth travels it’s bound to lose itself somewhere.

TOK has basically given me more of a reason to be a cynic.

Also, TOK hasn’t helped me accept emotions as a basis for decisions, but it’s helped me understand why and how people feel that they’re reasonable enough, and why certain people follow them more than reason.  Well....it kind of helped me learn that.  I’m still really distraught by illogical teenagers that act on a whim because of their emotions, but I’m starting to understand why they are like that.

Further, I’ve begun to understand the differences that languages create in perception.  Japanese is a much more eloquent language, where the way that they say things are based highly upon family and honor.  To them, our American language can sound rude, abrupt, brash, etc.  But we don’t mean to be that way, it’s just that the differences in our languages makes us perceive words and expressions differently.  Also, I can’t say I’ve never felt condescended when spoken to by a person with a European accent of some sort or other.  But, it’s just because we’re not used to it, and so we perceive it differently.

I’ve learned how knowledge is based upon interpretation, and therefore it’s almost impossible to know one universal truth, the reasons for emotionally based decisions and the effects of emotions on people, and the ways in which languages affect how we communicate.

testestestest.

I don’t like that we learn in order to pass tests.

Earlier, a friend told me that he really didn’t want to go back to college and start classes.  In response, I made a joking comment about running to Europe, and learning foreign languages on our own so that we could sit and listen to lectures at our own leisure just for the pleasure of the acquisition of knowledge; we wouldn’t be learning because we were going to be tested on it and we had to, but rather, because we desired to know things and learn on our own.

I didn’t even realize until after I’d said it how much I really, really desired this.  I absolutely hate that learning is so based around testing.

“Do we need to know this for the test?” “Will this be on the test?”

Granted, I ask those questions all of the time.  But it’s only because I’m worried about retaining knowledge that not only I think is interesting, but perhaps what I’m not too interested in, and must remember in order to pass a course.  And I really hate it.  I hate that in order to demonstrate our knowledge we have to take tests on it.  There should be a better way, where we can demonstrate what we know in actual situations, and apply the knowledge, not just answer questions about it and just.....you know.

I think this is one of the hugest reasons I prefer IB to AP.  AP bases the course around the test at the end, and that is your ONLY chance to demonstrate what you’ve learned.  In IB, your final grade is based upon multiple assessments as the course goes on.  And it’s not just in the form of a test; in English there are presentations which you can prepare for, in Math there are investigations where you apply what you know, in Biology there are labs, etc etc.  Point being, it doesn’t all rely on one exam, and there are a variety of ways to demonstrate knowledge, for those of us who might not be as good at tests.

I wish we could just learn for the pleasure of learning instead of for the purpose of taking tests.

Lie to me

I don’t understand lying, and I don’t understand why my friends lie to me, because anyone that knows me well knows that I have an uncanny ability to find out anything and everything that I need to know.

If you lie to me, I will know.

I have a friend that lives in California.  I met him on one of the numerous vacations I’ve been on, and we’ve been pretty close for a while.  He’s a few years older than me, but he told me he was getting engaged and wouldn’t be able to talk to me anymore.  I was fine about it and wished him good luck.  Then, a few weeks later, he came around and told me he was going to the army.  I was like, well what about your fiance?  He said he’d lied about that to avoid telling me he was going to the army.  I don’t know why, probably so I didn’t worry about him.

And I said my goodbyes on his supposed last day of being able to talk to me.

I just went on my twitter for the first time in a long time, and  he’s the only person I ever started following.  What do I see, aside from him tweeting like crazy and talking about being on the east coast.  I texted him and asked if he was lying, and after a lot of beating around the bush, he told me he actually had been engaged and was living in MA.

I will NEVER understand the need to compulsively lie.  Do people think that they can make themselves more interesting by being such a mystery?  Well, that’s not what it does.  It just makes you a liar.

Take off your mask.

This is going to be short.  Hopefully.

Certain girls absolutely refuse to be seen without makeup, and I will never understand why.

Makeup is made to emphasize features which are your strongest.  If you have beautiful eyes, makeup makes them pop.  If you have full lips, makeup makes them draw the eye every time you speak or catch a breath.  If you have high cheekbones, makeup makes sure they stand out among your features and create a strong face.

And so, theoretically, if you are beautiful with makeup you should also be so without.  However, certain girls use it to such an abundance that they resemble nothing of their unmasked selves.  We may look more plain without makeup, but we’re still pretty.

Wish I could say things to certain people's faces.

The people to trust are the ones who hate you, they'll do exactly as you expect.
Raw Laws.  A lot of girls, actually.  My mother.

The people to fear are the ones who have no doubts, they can't see themselves.
My father.  Elliot Shuck.

The people to need are the ones who owe you nothing, they'll be the most honest

Hannah O’Callaghan.  Miranda Amey.  Ian Cassidy.  Children.

The people to want are the ones you love, for obvious reasons.

Kyle Messner.  Leah Jereb.  Jake Hays.

The people to be wary of are the ones who are fragile, you might break them
My mother.  Elliot Shuck.

The people who need you are the people you owe nothing, they don't expect you, and that makes all the difference.
David Bretland.  Some friends.

The people who make changes are the one's who don't shout, for they are the one's best heard
Steve Meyer.

The people who make you are the people who you make, they see themselves in you, and you see you in them

Leah Jereb.  Hannah O’Callaghan.

The people who eat the most have the most to fear, they're contentment won't save them when we're all running from a bear

lol grandparents.....I shouldn’t say that, but we’re not actually related.  I would say not being related by blood didn’t matter if they’d actually tried to establish family bonds with me, but they didn’t.  So here’s my thoughts on them.  They could change their lifestyles if they wanted.

The people who say the least are the one's to listen for, they are the people who hear the most
Katie Clark.  Teachers.....at least on the last part.

The happiest people know what they have, not what they want

Leah Jereb.

The people who know you are the people you treat the worst, they can see your faults

Grandparents.  Anyone who fake tans.  Jacob Rusk.

The people who love you are the people who know you, but forgive you

Kyle Messner.

Thank you IB, for preparing me for anything.

It’s gotten progressively harder to be the best of the best.

I know a few teachers that graduated from high school at the top of their class.  However, they achieved the goal because the excelled in one area.  They were good at subjects like history and english, or math and sciences, etc.  And because they were so excellent in these subjects, it made up for the subjects they weren’t too strong in.

Students then didn’t necessarily strive to take as many AP classes as they could, because schools haven’t always offered so many.  So they were able to just pick and choose which ones they wanted to be in.  Also, they didn’t have IB, which weights all classes on a higher scale.

It’s fairly common for the top 10 students to be from IB.  Also, it’s almost impossible to be top of the class unless you’re IB.  IB forces students to be well rounded, and though we might not be strong in all areas at first, we do learn and adapt.

I just found it really interesting that being at the top means something different now.  It might not mean that you’re a genius at a subject like it used to, but it does mean you’re proficient in a vast abundance of areas.  And, if you don’t even know what you’re going to do with your future, that’s a valuable quality because it keeps all doors open.

Crushin' my hopes and dreams

A few weeks ago I was on chatroulette, because despite its horrible reputation, I’ve met some really decent people on there.

And Katy Perry.

However, I was procrastinating homework as I usually do, when I came across an American living in Germany.  Half doing homework, half talking, I was surprised when he told me he used to live in the states.  When he asked what homework I was doing, I told him I wasn’t exactly sure, I had so much that it sometimes just jumbled up in my brain into a giant mess.  I said it was just a normal day in IB Land.

What surprised me was when he said, “You’re in IB?”

Slightly cautious, I told him I was.  All he did was snicker and shake his head.  He proceeded to tell me that his entire family had gone through IB, he being the last and youngest.  I was really really pleased to find someone like this, especially on a video chatting roulette, and we talked about it for a while.  When I was beginning to realize I should probably stop procrastinating, I said, “I just have one more question......is it worth it?”

I think my heart shattered when he responded.

“I’m going to just not answer that, and let you attempt survival at the last year and a half you have left.”

Seriously.....if all of this work doesn’t pay off somehow, then I’m going to be really upset.  I know that it’s the experience that makes the real difference, and that it prepares us tremendously for college, but I’ve REALLY been hoping for a lot of credit hours to get rid of, especially since I probably have about eight years of school even after high school.  The credit hours IB could earn me would save a tremendous amount of money.

But seriously.  I’ve been hearing a lot lately that IB didn’t really pay off, and although I like to think I’m broadening my scope of learning, I can’t completely disregard the words of people who have experienced it already.  And have gone to college with IB on their belt.

OAIJGOAEIJRHO;ALIJRL. This is my brain right now.

I'm agnostic

...and I go to church every Sunday.  

My entire family is Catholic, and they’re all very, very conservative.  They’re narrow minded, and they lack respect.  However, I respect other religions enough to humor them and attend, even if it makes me REALLY uncomfortable.  Especially when they start preaching against gays....that’s just awkward.

I respect other religions because everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even if I think the idea is completely absurd.  Because although the things they teach seem completely improbable, they are not impossible.  The fact that no one knows for sure keeps me agnostic instead of being atheist.  I’m not so arrogant to think that my beliefs are concrete and absolute, because that would make me as bad as any religious extremist.  Even if I get carried away when people try and tell me that God is the only way, because that’s just insulting.  If I’m respecting you I expect equal treatment.

The most annoying thing to me is when people try and tell me that depression and suicide occurs because people don’t believe in Jesus.  They say that people need God/Jesus in order to have hope in their lives.  I’m sorry, but if you think I can’t provide my own hope, then you think I’m a lot less strong of a person than I am.  I had to learn to hope on my own because whatever God you think is out there wasn’t here to protect me when I needed it most.  My lack of faith didn’t cause me to be depressed, it was quite the other way around.

I’m sorry to say that no matter how much I used to hope and pray for some kind of salvation from the hell I was going through, nothing changed.  Nothing ever changes unless you take your own initiative and drive yourself and give yourself hope.  God isn’t going to do that for you.

And now I’m on a tangent.........

Anyway.  I go to church out of respect, and yet my family refuses to administer equal respect.  Any time I ever even hint at the fact that I don’t share their faith, there are extreme consequences.  They forced my non Catholic aunt to have her son baptized, because no grandchild of theirs was going to be brought up in anything besides Catholicism.  SO NARROW MINDED I WANT TO PUNCH SOMEONE.

Also, my grandfather constantly talks about how all gays are going to hell.  Okay.....I’m going to be a doctor so I can volunteer overseas and save lives and treat people that can’t afford it, instead of being a doctor in America where I can make millions on bureaucrats....and I’m going to hell.  SWEET thanks guys for showing so much compassion.  Isn’t that what your religion teaches?

ALSO, today in church our priest kept talking about how “we will not stop until God is brought to all countries, and all countries worship him in faith, and follow us in his teachings”.......if that’s not evidence that religion is just a way to control the masses, then I don’t know what is.

I feel as if this could have been said in a few sentences, but it’s not often that I can just rant about religion.  And I wouldn’t even have to if I was allowed to just practice my own beliefs instead of being denied that liberty.  Or if religion wasn’t so...weird.

On that note, I’ll leave you with this.  I thought it was funny.

vvv

http://www.bspcn.com/2009/06/23/11-things-the-bible-bans-but-you-do-anyway/