The person I've known the longest is the person I tell the least.

I’ve been friends with a certain girl for fourteen years, and she is the last person I would ever confide in.  I had to explain this to one of my close friends, because to him, the concept was incomprehensible.  But I’ll attempt to relay this again.

There are a few reasons, I suppose.

She’s known me for almost my entire life.  She’s known me throughout my childhood, and we grew up best friends, and I was almost always around her.  So I just feel like she should have noticed the things that started happening, and the things people were doing to me, and the ways in which I drastically changed during a certain point of my life.  I hold contempt for her because she didn’t notice anything.  She never commented on small details that hinted to something being wrong in my private life.  And I’m aware that she was young, and naive, and unaware of the evils that exist within this world, so I’m overly aware of the fact that I shouldn’t blame her for not questioning the changes in my behavior or dwelling on them.  But I’m human, so I still hold a sort of contempt for that.

Another reason being, she’s extremely judgmental and is overly concerned with her image.  Let me annotate....when I was in 6th grade, I started going to Aurora’s High School football games.  I was going to transfer to Aurora in the next school year, so I figured I should try and meet some people.  I was also in my goth stage...I’ve been through every phase that there is...as embarrassing as it is.  But when we got to one of the football games, she went off on me, and told me that she wouldn’t be seen with me because of the way I dressed - I was going to ruin her reputation.  And then she ditched me.  I was a 6th grade girl, alone in a stadium full of people I didn’t know.  It was pretty traumatizing, and I don’t really even remember how I got home, since this was the pre-cell phone age.  I’m not mad about this anymore, but it just reinforces the opinion of her that I have: she’s overly concerned about the things that people think of her and lets them dictate every action.  She’ll be friends with someone one day, and not the next, because of factors that shouldn’t matter.

She’s two faced to an extent, but I suppose we all are.

At this point, my friend told me that he didn’t see this about her.  And, I understand that.  I know her better than anyone else in the world knows her.  I’ve seen everything about her and I’ve seen her for who she really is.  I know so much about her, and I know that people never completely change.  Yes, they do change, but the most internal things about them don’t.  My hate will never change.  Her concern with image will never change.  She won’t be friends with certain people because she doesn’t want it to affect how other people view her.  I love her, trust me, and she and her family are the closest thing I’ve had to stability.

But I know her.

It keeps me from confiding in her because when you love someone as much as I love her, the thing that will break you is having that person reject you.  And I know what it feels like for her to do that, so I avoid it at every cost.

She’s refused to let me confide in her in the past; she’s called me a liar, she’s blatantly showed that she doesn’t care, and she’s changed the subject before I can even finish expressing myself to her own problems and disregarded my distress.  And if she did that to me once more, I know how I would feel.  Thus, I avoid it.

She’s aware that she cares too much about her image.  But the thing is, she just doesn’t care that her lifestyle is flawed.  At least, she hasn’t until recently.  Recently, she’s been trying to change....but like I said, the deepest things about our characters never truly change.  Alcoholics will always be alcoholics; they’ll always live with the temptation.  She will always have that nagging concern of how people view her.

My friend said, that if she gets a little better, I could at least see her in a slightly different light.  And you know, maybe, maybe not.  It would be as hard for me to change my views of her as it would be for her to change her manner of living.  With that logic, her efforts deserve equal efforts on my part.  However...I know myself and I know my internal mechanisms for self preservation.

Sometimes my extreme rationality prevents me from developing friendships and general relationships, and that is the flaw that will lead to my downfall as a being if I don’t learn how to let myself be influenced by emotions when the situation calls for it.

It’s what prevents me from saving a friendship that I fear I will someday analyze until it becomes meaningless in my rational eyes.  However...maybe that fear is the driving force which will trigger my change.

You treat me poorly for the way that I am and the things that I do, but you will never change me.

I’ve always been treated fairly badly by the male gender.  Of course, there are individuals whom have kept me from viewing males as a whole in a negative light.

Teenagers are extremely insecure, males in particular, even though women are considered the more fragile of the sexes.  It stems from centuries of male dominated societies.  Men are used to being in control.  Women, in their eyes (at least in general), will always be viewed subconsciously in a subservient light.  We always have to prove ourselves, over and over again, no matter how many successful women have existed.

And so when women exert independence, it intimidates the men whom are used to us being so dependent upon them that they can dictate our lives.  When we surpass them, we intimidate them.  Thus, they retaliate.  Men try to assert power over strong women by condescending them.

I’m aware that I’m an intelligent girl.  I know that I’m far from being a genius, and I’m aware of the plethora of both women AND men that are smarter than me.  But I’m equally aware of the people that I’m more intelligent than.  It doesn’t make me a better person by any means, intelligence just a part of my character and a part of their character, no matter to what extent that we have it.

I’ve always been treated fairly badly by the male gender.  I’ve been told that I’m intimidating, and even if I don’t see it, other people do.  I’m extremely independent.  In relationships (as pointless as I may believe they are in high school, I still have them....hypocrite), I never rely on my partner for anything.  As long as they don’t try and inhibit me, I don’t care if they don’t agree with my views or my actions.  But because I’m so proactive instead of reactive...I guess I just don’t fit the subservient woman that most boys secretly would want.  I don’t heed to their desires and I act for myself.  (That's not to say I don't do things in order to make them happy, because I do...but you know what I mean.)

And it’s caused me to fall victim to quite the round of criticism.  I’ve heard it all.  That may be hard to believe...but I’ve been called things so emotionally abusive and so degrading that it would crush a lot of people.

But like I said, I don’t care if they agree with who I am or not, I’m my own person.  And maybe a little emotionless...

I started thinking about this because someone actually asked me to be their valentine this year.  I’m not used to that.  I’ve always been treated poorly because I cause males to rethink their roles and their views.  But, like I said, exceptions have been ever present in my life to keep me from thinking negatively about the male gender as a whole.

And I really appreciate those people and our friendships.  So thank you.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

Heartbreaker.

I used to have this friend.

He was my best friend, and I, the advocate against teenage emotions because I really don’t believe we have the capacity for them, cared about him more than I have ever cared about anyone in my entire life.  He was the one person I ever trusted completely, and I was the only person he ever confided his actual emotions to.  He didn’t have to be funny around me, or serious, or happy or tough or anything.  He just had to be himself, and I absolutely adored him for it, and he adored me for accepting him as he was.

Over the summer, he tried to help me in ways that no one has ever even thought of.  I’m deathly afraid of water.  The only time I’ve been in a large body of water in the past seven years or so was when I was in Thailand, and we took a boat out into the indian ocean.  My best friend/sister and I went swimming in it, and needless to say I was scared out of my mind, but I trusted her.....and it was the Indian Ocean, I wanted to be able to say I’ve swam in it.

But he took me to this waterfall close to his house.  There’s an area underneath it where it’s really deep, and you can jump in, and swim.  And he took me there.  The girl that’s afraid of water.  Because he said that if anyone was going to be able to help me, it was him.

Well, he was right.

We stood next to it and I got close to the edge a few times, but each time I would end up breaking down and crying.  Which is hard for me to admit, because I compartmentalize emotions a lot.  But he was patient with me.  He stood with me and held me and told me that I could trust him.  He kissed my forehead and rubbed my back and showed me such patience.

We did eventually end up jumping in....and once I was in the water I freaked out pretty badly, and ended up crawling out and crying all over again.  And again, he sat with me.  He told me he was proud of me, and sometimes I think I lived to make him proud.  So this made me content.

I’m still afraid of water.  I still don’t swim.  But my fears are rooted deeply within my past, and it’s a past I’m ashamed of even though I shouldn’t be.  These roots are held so deeply within me that I doubt some of these things will ever leave me, but he helped me in at least easing the pain of one.  It was progress, and it was all because of him.

I’m telling you of this incident to help you understand how far the bounds of our friendship ran. There were many occurrences during our long enduring friendship like this, where we both helped each other grow and conquer fears and become better people.  I taught him patience, and he taught me compassion.

But we drifted apart, somehow.  I became busy with IB, and he just....got progressively stranger.  By strange, I mean being so adamant against authority and school and learning.  I used to adore that he wanted to do well, but then every time I talked to him he was complaining about something about school.  And I love our school, so it was hard for me to hear, but I just let him talk and I would listen.  Because that’s how we were.

Anyhow, we stopped talking for a few months.  Not because I didn’t try, but every time I texted him he wouldn’t answer.  If I messaged him on facebook he wouldn’t answer.  When I saw him and called his name, he would turn around and, looking extremely reluctant, wave briefly before turning around again and leaving before I could get to him.

Finally, last night I managed to confront him.  I was so scared that he was mad at me, or that I’d done something wrong.  But I finally asked him why he wouldn’t even acknowledge me anymore.  And what did he have to say?

He needed space.

He couldn’t be in a serious relationship as friends anymore.  IE, have that deep connection that we did.

He couldn’t spend so much time on one person because he has other things to do.

He didn’t care if we talked or not.

I’m hurt.  Badly.  And I don’t understand how a friendship as ours could come to.....this.  He was the only person I ever fully trusted, and now he doesn’t even want to talk to me.  I understand that he doesn’t have time to hangout like we used to, neither do I, but I don’t expect him to.  I just expected us to stay close.

I just cannot comprehend why things changed so drastically in so little time.

Where in the world did this go.

I’m really mad, because I wrote a sweet blog the other day about my (improbable) theory about drugs.  But I was just looking through my posts and couldn’t find it......so I guess I’ll re write it.  But it was really long, and I’m mad, so this is going to be shorter. By a lot.

I made a new friend, and he’s basically a genius.  His biggest flaw is his consistent use of drugs.  I do NOT understand the appeal of drugs at all.  But as I started thinking about them.....I came up with a crazy but improbable theory.  But, I still thought about it because TOK has taught me never to qualify anything as impossible, because we never really know that what we know is true...

When people do things like LSD they totally trip.  And they see things that sober people don’t see.  BUT what if over time, the development of logic and reason within humans has blinded us to the world that is around us, because we qualify certain things as “impossible.”  Our rational could have become a sort of inhibitor to our senses, thus dampening our senses and providing us with blinders, such as horses wear, if you will, that narrow the scope of our vision.

AND what if drugs kind of...get rid of those inhibitors.  And they allow our senses to be completely open, and we see the world for what it really is.  And the only reason we think that people who take drugs have a skewed view of the world is because we qualify the “normal” world that most people see as the true reality.  But what if it’s opposite........

I’m afraid of the wrong people reading this because it’ll just give them an excuse to do drugs, which I am strongly against.............

WAIT JK NO ONE READS THIS ASIDE FROM IB NERDS AND NONE OF US DO STUFF LIKE THIS BECAUSE WE’RE TOO BUSY STAYIN UP LATE AND WORKING.

Just an improbable theory.  Which I hope isn’t true, ‘cause that’d be bad for law enforcement.

LJ SAY HAY.

Leah Jereb.  Meee-ah Mer-eb.

AKA my bff jill.

I’ve known about her existence since about 8th grade.  She was always just....another person to me.  I always had an idea of what I thought she was like, based upon a few different things.

A friend recently told me a way to express this.  I had an Ashleigh-Leah built into my head.  I assessed her based upon her friends and what I knew of them, and from there came to a conclusion of what I assumed she was like.  And I didn’t like her friends very much.

Around came sophomore year and the time to apply for IB.  I found out she was doing it, or at least considering.  I’d had my heart set on IB since I found out about its existence, so when she talked to me about it, I decided to reconsider my position on her.

I was so, so wrong.

She was so different from them, as I soon discovered.  This year we hit it off quickly.  Seriously, we acted extremely similar and soon found ourselves talking in unison.  And, as we got to know each other on a deeper level, found out that our general beliefs about almost everything are also the same.  We’re seriously really close now, and I really kind of regret not getting to know her earlier.

But we’re friends now, best friends I would say, and that’s all that matters.

She’s goofy.  She’s eccentric, and different, and quirky in all the right ways.  She’s intelligent and dynamic.  She’s beautiful, inside and out.  Seriously, Leah, you’re gorgeous and you need to stop thinking otherwise.  Because you’re one of the cutest puppy girls I’ve ever met.

Hi puppy.

And she’s so driven, and involved, and I really admire that about her.  I wish I was as involved in my community as she is, because people are going to remember her.  She leaves quite the impression, and I know that no matter what, even though I hope for her to remain one of the 2% of my friends that I remain friends with after high school,

Guess I learned my lesson: Don’t judge a girl by her friends.

‘Cause giiiiirl, you are so much better than those one dimensional bimbos you used to hangout with.

PS. I hope you read this because you need to see this.

STOP THINKING BOYS DON’T LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT ATTRACTIVE.  YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.  AND STRIKING.  AND THE CUTEST PUPPY IN MY LIFE.  BOYS ARE JUST (in general, not all) STUPID AND NOT LOOKING FOR THINGS LIKE CUTENESS AND AWESOME PERSONALITIES AT THIS AGE.  THEY’RE LOOKIN FOR GIRLS THAT ARE GONNA GIVE THEM SOME WITHOUT MUCH WORK, AND YOU ARE NOT THAT.  SO BE PROUD.  AND LOVE WHO YOU ARE.

Thanks, TOK.

I’ve learned that basically all things in the world are different depending upon who you ask.  People’s experiences change and affect their perceptions, and perceptions are one of the ways that we determine what we know.  Therefore, we all may know different things about the world because we make different discoveries perceive them differently.  Similarly, we may be introduced to the same information, but because of our perceptions, we take different approaches to assess it and ultimately come to different conclusions.  Then how can we even know that what we think we know is true?

We can’t know.  It’s impossible to prove almost anything in the world to absolute certainty.  Even in sciences, where all paths lead to logical explanations, there is always a certain amount of uncertainty.  We think that the sky is blue because of the ozone layer and the way it refracts light from the sun, but the only reason we think this is because people predominantly see the sky as blue.  People who are colorblind might see the sky in a different color, but maybe they’re actually correct?  We tell them the sky is blue, therefore they might begin to doubt themselves.  But how can they doubt what they see with their own eyes?  It completely falsifies the statement, “I won’t believe it until I see it,” if you can’t even believe it when you do see it.  And so, I’ve also learned that I can’t be sure about anything that I think I know.  Especially history....who knows how stories changed, both because different primary sources will have different accounts of events, and because once word of mouth travels it’s bound to lose itself somewhere.

TOK has basically given me more of a reason to be a cynic.

Also, TOK hasn’t helped me accept emotions as a basis for decisions, but it’s helped me understand why and how people feel that they’re reasonable enough, and why certain people follow them more than reason.  Well....it kind of helped me learn that.  I’m still really distraught by illogical teenagers that act on a whim because of their emotions, but I’m starting to understand why they are like that.

Further, I’ve begun to understand the differences that languages create in perception.  Japanese is a much more eloquent language, where the way that they say things are based highly upon family and honor.  To them, our American language can sound rude, abrupt, brash, etc.  But we don’t mean to be that way, it’s just that the differences in our languages makes us perceive words and expressions differently.  Also, I can’t say I’ve never felt condescended when spoken to by a person with a European accent of some sort or other.  But, it’s just because we’re not used to it, and so we perceive it differently.

I’ve learned how knowledge is based upon interpretation, and therefore it’s almost impossible to know one universal truth, the reasons for emotionally based decisions and the effects of emotions on people, and the ways in which languages affect how we communicate.

testestestest.

I don’t like that we learn in order to pass tests.

Earlier, a friend told me that he really didn’t want to go back to college and start classes.  In response, I made a joking comment about running to Europe, and learning foreign languages on our own so that we could sit and listen to lectures at our own leisure just for the pleasure of the acquisition of knowledge; we wouldn’t be learning because we were going to be tested on it and we had to, but rather, because we desired to know things and learn on our own.

I didn’t even realize until after I’d said it how much I really, really desired this.  I absolutely hate that learning is so based around testing.

“Do we need to know this for the test?” “Will this be on the test?”

Granted, I ask those questions all of the time.  But it’s only because I’m worried about retaining knowledge that not only I think is interesting, but perhaps what I’m not too interested in, and must remember in order to pass a course.  And I really hate it.  I hate that in order to demonstrate our knowledge we have to take tests on it.  There should be a better way, where we can demonstrate what we know in actual situations, and apply the knowledge, not just answer questions about it and just.....you know.

I think this is one of the hugest reasons I prefer IB to AP.  AP bases the course around the test at the end, and that is your ONLY chance to demonstrate what you’ve learned.  In IB, your final grade is based upon multiple assessments as the course goes on.  And it’s not just in the form of a test; in English there are presentations which you can prepare for, in Math there are investigations where you apply what you know, in Biology there are labs, etc etc.  Point being, it doesn’t all rely on one exam, and there are a variety of ways to demonstrate knowledge, for those of us who might not be as good at tests.

I wish we could just learn for the pleasure of learning instead of for the purpose of taking tests.