I’ve been friends with a certain girl for fourteen years, and she is the last person I would ever confide in. I had to explain this to one of my close friends, because to him, the concept was incomprehensible. But I’ll attempt to relay this again.
There are a few reasons, I suppose.
She’s known me for almost my entire life. She’s known me throughout my childhood, and we grew up best friends, and I was almost always around her. So I just feel like she should have noticed the things that started happening, and the things people were doing to me, and the ways in which I drastically changed during a certain point of my life. I hold contempt for her because she didn’t notice anything. She never commented on small details that hinted to something being wrong in my private life. And I’m aware that she was young, and naive, and unaware of the evils that exist within this world, so I’m overly aware of the fact that I shouldn’t blame her for not questioning the changes in my behavior or dwelling on them. But I’m human, so I still hold a sort of contempt for that.
Another reason being, she’s extremely judgmental and is overly concerned with her image. Let me annotate....when I was in 6th grade, I started going to Aurora’s High School football games. I was going to transfer to Aurora in the next school year, so I figured I should try and meet some people. I was also in my goth stage...I’ve been through every phase that there is...as embarrassing as it is. But when we got to one of the football games, she went off on me, and told me that she wouldn’t be seen with me because of the way I dressed - I was going to ruin her reputation. And then she ditched me. I was a 6th grade girl, alone in a stadium full of people I didn’t know. It was pretty traumatizing, and I don’t really even remember how I got home, since this was the pre-cell phone age. I’m not mad about this anymore, but it just reinforces the opinion of her that I have: she’s overly concerned about the things that people think of her and lets them dictate every action. She’ll be friends with someone one day, and not the next, because of factors that shouldn’t matter.
She’s two faced to an extent, but I suppose we all are.
At this point, my friend told me that he didn’t see this about her. And, I understand that. I know her better than anyone else in the world knows her. I’ve seen everything about her and I’ve seen her for who she really is. I know so much about her, and I know that people never completely change. Yes, they do change, but the most internal things about them don’t. My hate will never change. Her concern with image will never change. She won’t be friends with certain people because she doesn’t want it to affect how other people view her. I love her, trust me, and she and her family are the closest thing I’ve had to stability.
But I know her.
It keeps me from confiding in her because when you love someone as much as I love her, the thing that will break you is having that person reject you. And I know what it feels like for her to do that, so I avoid it at every cost.
She’s refused to let me confide in her in the past; she’s called me a liar, she’s blatantly showed that she doesn’t care, and she’s changed the subject before I can even finish expressing myself to her own problems and disregarded my distress. And if she did that to me once more, I know how I would feel. Thus, I avoid it.
She’s aware that she cares too much about her image. But the thing is, she just doesn’t care that her lifestyle is flawed. At least, she hasn’t until recently. Recently, she’s been trying to change....but like I said, the deepest things about our characters never truly change. Alcoholics will always be alcoholics; they’ll always live with the temptation. She will always have that nagging concern of how people view her.
My friend said, that if she gets a little better, I could at least see her in a slightly different light. And you know, maybe, maybe not. It would be as hard for me to change my views of her as it would be for her to change her manner of living. With that logic, her efforts deserve equal efforts on my part. However...I know myself and I know my internal mechanisms for self preservation.
Sometimes my extreme rationality prevents me from developing friendships and general relationships, and that is the flaw that will lead to my downfall as a being if I don’t learn how to let myself be influenced by emotions when the situation calls for it.
It’s what prevents me from saving a friendship that I fear I will someday analyze until it becomes meaningless in my rational eyes. However...maybe that fear is the driving force which will trigger my change.
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